It's clear to me that many of us are trying to engage in community activity when we have yet to tap into ourselves. I know this because I'm talking about me, too.
At a particular phase, I took on many roles to fill a void in my life. The latest was when I separated from the military after 16 years of service and missed the fellowship, the routines around fitness, rising early, and becoming stronger as an individual through community collaboration.
So, I tried various substitutions
Joining a local workout community
Writing for a Blog for Women of Color
I have formed these types of bonds before participating in Social Civic Groups in High School and College. Spaces and places where I could immerse myself in surroundings where other were doing the same. Growing weary after being left with only superficial connections and a longer contacts and "followers" list.
We both WANT and need to be with others. Yet there has to be a healthy basis to build on. Let's take a look at Maslow's hierarchy of Needs:
If we are still stuck in a rut where we have not met the foundational requirements we are in no place to prioritize the desires above it. We must fulfill lower-level needs before addressing higher-level needs.
The desire for connection has to be a desire with limitations, and boundaries.
Being in a community is great, but only after fulfilling your basic needs.
The "necessity" for a thing tends to create codependency. We will righteously shift our personal preferences for our needs. Raise your hand if you work a 9 to 5 you'd rather not. You recognize the need to keep food on your table, so you do what you must.
Often, I have skipped the responsibility of working on myself with the distraction of being with others.
No more.
At this point, I understand that I never will fit in, and it is no longer my desire to do so.
After 34 years of living, I've finally made peace with the fact that "fitting in" is no longer adaptive. I'm creating my own space(s). I am aware of the following, and I've decided to embody it entirely as a personal agreement:
I am constructing a solid home within myself . I am no longer searching to find a home within someone/someplace else.
How have we overinvested in our surroundings when we should pour into ourselves first?
This question is rhetorical.
While I would love for you to engage below, I now recognize that this is deep soul work. You may need more time to be ready, willing, or even prepared to enter this level of engagement with yourself and in front of me and the rest of the web.
P.S.
if it provides you any comfort, I write these posts and keep them moving, seldom resharing or promoting posts because this work is mine to do. I know that in due time, I'll be able to return to these lessons and facilitate a space where we can all grow, but for now, it's just me and my closest crew: those who lean in, listen up, and speak their own truth.
Additionally, this is inner child work, and I am well aware of it. On an even deeper level, this points to a parental wound and why I encourage many to start the journey of ancestral work. If you experience this, it's generational. Do yourself a favor and reach backward into your lineage for assistance. If the living people can't go there with you, you may need to "speak" with the dead.
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